Internet Oracularities I've Asked


This is a collection of some of the Oracularities whose questions I've asked the Internet Oracle from 1994-1995. It is by no means ALL the questions I've asked, but just the ones I thought were worthy of publication, either because the incarnation's answer (or, less commonly, my question) was particularly funny.

You can also read answers [~94k] I've given as an Oracular incarnation, or see a list of digested Oracularities which I've asked or answered.

The Internet Oracle has its own web site.


   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 10/04/95 02:33 AM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O wise and benevolent Oracle, who can play the radio without taking
> lessons, who is so cool you have to wear shades at night, please accept
> this humble supplicant's offering:
>
> For the past six months I have examined and categorized the contents and
> source of random TCP/IP packets to determine the type of material being
> transmitted and stored. Here is what I found:
>
> TYPE OF MATERIAL                                  % TRAFFIC
> ----------------------------------------------  ----------
> Digitized porn photos in alt.binaries.erotica        25.34
> CU-seeme video                                       13.21
> Pirated software                                      9.51
> Iphone audio                                          8.09
> Mail bounced back to AOL and Prodigy                  7.84
> IRC bots                                              6.19
> Downloads of Netscape                                 6.02
> Flames posted to Usenet                               5.32
> IRC text discussing the OJ trial                      4.18
> Email of OJ and lawyer jokes                          3.91
> Attempts to "finger hilary@whitehouse.gov"            2.84
> "MAKE MONEY FAST" messages posted to Usenet           1.06
> Figlets                                               0.11
> Joel K. Furr's Lemur FAQ                              0.09
> Oracularities                                         0.06
> Dropped TCP/IP packets                                0.02
> Scrambled TCP/IP packets                              0.01
> Oracularities worthy of publication                     **
> ___________________________
> ** Less than 0.01 percent

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The effects of manually examining and classifying 10,000 random TCPIP
} packets is as follows:
}
} TYPE OF EFFECT                        % CHANGE
} ----------------------------------------------
} Nearsightedness                        +100%
} Carpal Tunnel                           +83%
} Nerd Test bonus                         +80%
} Job as Librarian                        +50%
} Geek Code                               +Ak(P)
} Respect of Peers                        +25%
} Karmic Balance                           0.00
} Respect of Normal People                -25%
} IQ score                                -33%
} Real Job                                -50%
} Friends                                 -66%
} GPA                                     -75%
} Pets and Houseplants (living)          -100%
}
} You owe the oracle a breakdown of the remaining 6.2% of the packets.
} And the raw data for the top three categories.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 08/21/95 02:36 AM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Joel, what is the frinquency?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Much less often since I took rec.humor.oracle.d off that remailer's list.

} Finding the head of a zotted woodchuck in my bed every day for a week was
} enough of a hint even for me.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as you-know-who) an REM/Dan Rather T-shirt.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 08/19/95 02:29 PM

!!! The Oracle's question queue is getting rather full.  Help speed
!!! things up for everyone and do askme's instead of tellme's.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O elegantly composed Oracle, whose integrity is never questioned, whose
> shirts I am unworthy of starching, please tell me:
>
> What happens if I write a C compiler in C, compile it, then use the newly
> compiled compiler to compile the original source code, etc., ad infinitum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The experiment has been done.  After 47 iterations it generates the
} code for Windows 95.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of earplugs to block out the impending barrage
} of MS infomercials.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 08/10/95 01:45 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O incredibly cool Oracle, who knows everyone and everything (and everything
> about everyone), please tell me what you dream of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You... so you better hope I don't wake up.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 07/13/95 01:18 AM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, progeny of proud Steve Kinzler, jewel in the crown of the
> University of Indiana, dutiful employer of denizens of High Priests, please
> shed the most miniscule of your Oracular wisdom on my feeble question:
>
> For months now I've faithfully subscribed to the Usenet Oracularities and
> judged them to the best of my abilities. I've regularly written tasteful,
> subtle, thought-provoking questions. I've given sharp, witty, and savvy
> answers to the questions you've required me to answer. I've done my best to
> provide the payments you asked me for (although I must apologize for being
> so late with the Indonesian yak--they're ornery critters, harder to get a
> hold of than a greased pig).
>
> Anyway, as a long-time supplicant, how can I subscribe to the Supplicants'
> Newsletter that contains hints, tricks, and tips for being a good
> supplicant? As a supplicant in good standing, when do I get invited to the
> yearly Supplicants' Picnic? And how about a private lunch with just you and
> Lisa? Not to be greedy, but how can I get that special cable TV station
> available only to Supplicants? And how does one get inducted into the
> Supplicants' Hall of Fame?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the first step is simple. Go to your local bookstore and pick up a
} copy or _Oraculanetics_, the guide to the modern science of collaborative
} humor. Read it a few times and try to follow the suggestions within.
}
} After a few weeks, or whenever you feel you're ready, it's time to move on
} to the next step. Find an Oracle Priest and ask him to give you a
} Supplicant Reading to measure your level of Oraclegrams. There will be a
} small fee, but the peace of mind it will bring you is more than worth it.
}
} From there, you can progress higher into the hierarchy of the Church of
} Oracletology. With each level you achieve, you will be closer to the peace
} of mind and fame you desire as a Supplicant. It will cost you, but once
} again, it's worth it.
}
} Along your path, ignore the cries of those who claim that the CoS is a
} 'cult', that we've brainwashed you. It's not true; after all, *you* make
} the decisions. You decided to buy _Oraculanetics_. You decided to have a
} reading done. No one forced you at any step of the process. Besides, don't
} you feel much better now than you did before you joined.
}
} Sincerely, T. Usenet Oracle
}
} You owe the Oracle a science-fiction writer who sticks to writing and an
} anonymous remailer that he can't get access to.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 07/12/95 01:29 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Yo, Oracle! My main source of wisdom, knowledge, compassion; my connection
> who always has a few ounces of "da stuff" I need (know what I mean?); and
> my homeboy! Yeah, I'm from da 'hood, ya know what I mean? Yeah, that's
> right, we grew up together! You remember Mama Leone's of Mt. Olympus? I
> used to hang out there all da time! Maybe youse could do me a favor and
> clue me in ta somethin'. Here's my question:
>
> This Internet stuff is confusin'. All dis talk about Gopher, Telnet, FTP,
> World Wide Web--I don't unnerstan' any of it. Can youse make a simpler
> version of everythin'? Ya know, sorta like an Internet for regular
> neighborhood guys like me? It might look somethin' like this:
>
> YOUSE-NET
> Tired of those elite newsgroups where Yuppies talk about wine and cheese
> tastin', C++ programmin', and politics? Youse-Net has newsgroups for da
> rest of youse boyz in da 'hood! Discuss da latest pizza joints, which
> stoops are popular for hangin' out on, and what neighborhood auto repair
> shops sell tires to match your matte black Monte Carlo.
>
> GO-FUH
> Tired of lookin' high and low for that crucial information on how to make
> subway turnstile slugs? Want to know da best pay phones to break into in
> your neighborhood? Let Go-Fuh find it for youse! And remember, Go-Fuh
> treats youse with respect; if Go-Fuh can't find da info ya want, it won't
> tell ya to "go-fu**..."
>
> WOILD WIDE WEB (WWW)
> Yo, dis is yo' connection to all da 'hoods in da woild! Check out yo'
> favorite homeboyz's homepages! It rocks da house--er, home! It's dope!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many and varied are the ways supplicants attempt to reach that pinnacle of
} achievement, appearing in the fabled Oracularities. Here is a list of ways
} suggested by Ratcatcher and Snodgrass in their recent book; "Unpublished
} Secrets of Oracle '95".
}
} 1) Try to make the Oracle feel "buddies" with you. This may be by pretending
} that you grew up in the same neighbourhood as your 'buddy' the Oracle. Add
} references to pizza parlours or malls where the Oracle may have spent a few
} hours, if necessary make some up. You never know, the Oracle may have become
} confused about whether an immortal has a childhood, and fall for it.
}
} 2) Open your question with a flippant and unobsequious "Hiya Orrie" or "Morning
} Mr Know-All!" in the hope that, when this is not instantly zotted, the priests
} may examine the exchange more closely in surprise. If the priesthood don't
} notice your witty question, you won't make the big one.
}
} 3) Make subtle reference to narcotic substances or other illegal behaviour
} which the Oracle might conceivably be feeling guilty about. You never know
} when a chance comment about "talcum powder" or "substance abuse" might trigger
} some hidden secret and worry the Oracle enough to get you a promisingly kind
} and considerate response.
}
} 4) Keep your question short! The Oracle needs plenty of room to reply in, if
} you want the sort of reply which makes it into the Oracularities. Many
} Supplicants make the mistake of producing too large a question for being
} accepted into the limited buffer of the priesthood.
}
}    [Note:- the supplicant should remember this point next time]
}
} 5) Don't attempt to seem wiser than the Oracle. Using long words merely limits
} the target audience of the Oracularity in question. If you are sesquipedalian*
} it means most readers have to go off and look it up in a dictionary.
}
}    [* - this means "gullible" for those who have no dictionary to hand]
}
} 6) Never "lead" the Oracle. Best by far to ask an open question to allow the
} Oracle plenty of room to manouvre in the reply. While an interesting subject
} may be worthwhile, never indicate what form or shape the answer should be.
}
} 7) Always be sure to
}
} Oh dear, your five minutes are up.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mention in Oracularities, get cracking.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 07/04/95 08:59 AM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O syntactically correct Oracle, whose diction and grammar make the
Queen's
> English seem like vulgar slang, who is the very model of perfection,
whose
> stray eyebrow hairs I am unworthy of plucking, please tell me:
>
> My C program isn't working. So I ran it through the spell checker and the
> thesaurus but now it wouldn't compile. Can you tell me what's wrong with
> this program?
>
> #embody 
>
> principal(empty)
> {
>     printer("Greeting, earth.\n");
>     departure(0);
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As a general rule, run it through the spell checker after the thesaurus
} as not all thesaurus's can spell.  However; yours can so we'll go on.
}
} I think you need a compiler upgrade.  You're probably using CC or GCC or
} something equally twentieth century and restrictive.
}
} Try OALC (Oracle All Language Compiler).  I'll demonstrate.
}
} % OALC program -O SH > /dev/tty
} ------output----
} #! /bin/sh
} echo -n "Greeting, earth.\c"
} exit 0
} ------done----
}
} or, optimised
}
} % OALC program -O SH -OO > /dev/tty
} ------output----
} #! /bin/sh
} echo "Greeting, earth."
} ------done----
}
} You can compile for almost any destination environment!!
}
} % OALC program -O BASIC -OO > /dev/tty
} ------output----
} print "Greeting, earth."
} ------done----
}
} %OALC program -O DRAWL -OO > /dev/audio
} [ "Howdy pard..." ]
}
} % OALC program -O RADIO -OO > /dev/audio
} [ "Greeting, earth, we're glad to have you here today for
}   our jam-packed special edition of things to do while
}   you wait in the traffic; but first a word from both our
}   alternate sponsor and our backup sponsors mother, " ^C ]
}
} And thats with optimize turned on!
}
} OALC is vailable for only &599,000.  I also take GreenShield Stamps.
}
} You owe me your first child-process compiled with OALC

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 06/26/95 02:16 AM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O high-speed Oracle, whose every brain cell is far more powerful than my
> entire brain, who can solve a zillion simultaneous equations
> simultaneously, who can integrate, multiplicate, and triumvirate in your
> sleep, please tell me:
>
> Why are today's computers binary? Why not ternary, quadnary, quintnary,
> hexnary, octnary, nonary, or decinary?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, wow!  Like, okay, keep with me, this is so heavy I don't know
} if I can get it all straight, it's like INCREDIBLE no one
} ever thought of this before... Okay, so, what if our brains
} really ARE computers, only they're not on binary math, they're
} on UNARY MATH!  Dig, base 1, there's ONLY ONE DIGIT!  And,
} like, since in binary there's 0, 1, in unary there's gotta only be
} 0, and what that means is Zen is scientifically true!
} Mind is always zero, that means it's always empty!  And,
} like, the error is when you try to add something to it, because
} that's, like, *impossible* and stuff, and so your brain gives
} you one of those errors that's like when you're running
} Netscape and this little window pops up and says your
} General Protection is faulty...
}
} Oh Jeezuz Jeezuz I just realized something Oh this is SO COOL,
} you know how you'd write Infinity in base 1, it would be
}
}     0000000000000000000000000000000000000...
}
} on and on forever and that's where they got "Om" for a mantra,
} get it, "OOOOOOOOOOOM" only it's supposed to be infinite so
} when you pronounce the M maybe--yeah, that's probably the end
} of the universe or something, except we're mortal so we
} have to put the M...  And you know something else, I'll bet
} that's why when you divide by 0 the computer says you can't,
} too?
}
} You owe the America Online Oracle 0/0.  (Get it?)

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 05/04/95 12:09 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Minimalism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No thanks, I just had some.
}
} I'll take a Rococco-Cola, though.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 04/07/95 01:10 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O celebratory Oracle, who ages gracefully but never grows old, please tell me:
>
> What would you like for your birthday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} a dog and a machochistic tendencies and a sushi and a fragile
} thousand-year-old vase and a refectory and a pimple and a rival and an
} abdomen and a sensor and a receptor and a sauce and a fork and a
} rapture and a pot roast and a paint set and an issue and an elixer and
} a toucan and a pistol and a chain bikini and a matrix and a
} high-pressure phaser detoxifier and a scrapbook and an innoculation
} and a seducer and a repertoire and a helmet and a piccolo and a
} forgery and a seagull and a dead tuna and an organ and a shrubbery and
} a sausage pizza and a robot and a hot tub and a jade and a revelry and
} a road and a bug fix and a kipper and a philosophy and a flute and a
} peccary and a sarcophagus and an education and an electron and a fuel
} rod and a fear and a sausage pizza and a rumor and a mother-in-law and
} a back problem and a road and a kneeek and a ramrod and a rake and a
} mainsail and a parking meter and a heartache and an ear and a serenade
} and a MicroVAX and a regimen and a manure and a battery and a
} bratwurst and an angel and a reputation and an explosive eggplant and
} a pitcher and an anus and a hamster and an awe-inspiring modular
} furniture and an electron and an eggplant and a kaleidescope and a
} pigeon and a mantlepiece and a muscle and a handcuffs and a ragweed
} and a chest problem and an orchestra and a repertoire and a coprophile
} and a schoolboy and a bratwurst and a paintbrush and a rejoinder and a
} lamp and a helmet and a hatchet and a pimp and a raindrop and a
} bathmat and a superiority complex and a petard and a barrel and a
} fossil and a tape deck and a rubbish and a veil and a mushroom woman
} and a schoolgirl and a paper and a rubbish and a motorcycle and a
} green egg and a sauce and a cat and a roadster and a dog and a hand
} and a solipsism and a girlfriend and a hayloft and an eggplant and a
} refractometer and a reactant.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 07/09/94 02:56 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O multi-cultural Oracle, whose fashion sense surpasses even that of Giorgio
> Armani, Yves St. Laurent, Georges Marciano, and Calvin Klein; who is always
> in style no matter where you go and what you wear; who gets into all the
> trendy clubs wearing cut-off jeans and slippers; who always looks good
> >and< feels good; please tell me:
>
> In modern American culture, it is customary for women to carry their
> make-up, money, etc. in purses. Being a guy, though, it wouldn't do to
> carry a purse, of course. I usually carry my wallet, keys, glasses,
> address/appointment book, etc. in my jacket. But recently it's been just
> too hot and humid to wear even a light jacket. Oracle, please tell me what
> kind of clothing or accessory is socially acceptable for a guy to wear, not
> too hot, and large enough to carry a wallet, address/appointment book,
> glasses, and keys.
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay. A few suggestions:
}
} Cat-In-The-Hat brand hat
}
}       Pros: This tall, floppy red-and-white striped accessory provides 1.2
}             sq. ft. of storage space, while sacrificing nothing on
}               masculinity or style.
}       Cons: In urban areas, Cat-In-The-Hat brand hat attracts too much
}             attention from muggers and hatjackers. In southern rural areas,
}             Cat-In-The-Hat brand hat does not blend in with the fashion
}             status quo, which may cause serious injury.
}
} Fanny Pack
}
}       Pros: This tiny pack sits above the hind quarters, and is large enough
}             to contain wallet, keys, a small handgun and spare change.
}
}       Cons: You'd be wearing a purse on your butt. Again, in the South, this
}             may cause serious injury.
}
} Artificial Leg
}
}       Pros: Probably the most carrying space available without buying a suit
}             case. Can hold your wallet, keys, spare change, a medium-sized
}             rifle, a laptop computer, and can also be insulated to keep a 12
}             pack of cold canned beverages.
}
}       Cons: If not already missing a leg, potential wearer will most
}             surely have to amputate one of them. This may result in the wear-
}             er walking with a pronounced limp.
}
} Wife with a purse
}
}       Pros: Convenient, self-carrying, and easy to use (Honey, I don't have
}             any pockets...could you carry these for me?) Can take her almost
}             anywhere except to the men's room and the Mason's Lodge. Is as
}             fashionable as she dresses herself to be.
}
}       Cons: People make livings off writing on this topic. Read _The_Teachings
}             _of_Al_Bundy_, _Women_Pigs,Men_Swine_, and _The_Oprah_Files_ for
}             more information.
}
}       There's more, of course, but these are the top four. I'll send you a
} catalog.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a small mule.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject:  The Oracle replies!
   Date: 02/23/94 08:26 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O all-knowing Oracle, whose omnicient knowledge knows no bounds, please
> tell me:
>
> What questions are you unable to answer?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Segmentation fault (core dumped)

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject:  The Oracle replies!
   Date: 02/20/94 09:37 AM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O psychiatric Oracle, whose healing answers are always revealing, please
> tell me:
>
> What subjects are you asked about most frequently?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many years ago, the Oracle was frequently consulted about the pressing
} mathematical and philosophical issues of the day. I recieved such
} classic questions as:
}
} "Oh almighty Oracle [&c,&c], what is the relationship between the
} circumference of a circle and its diameter"
}
} "Oh almighty Oracle [&c,&c], if I say that I always lie, am I lying?"
}
} "Oh almighty Oracle [&c,&c], why is it that all the babes laugh at my toga?"
}
} But now it's just sex, woodchucks, null queries, woodchucks, "what are you
} most frequently asked?", "why am I here?", and woodchucks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a holiday. Somewhere sunny and woodchuckless.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject:  The Oracle replies!
   Date: 02/13/94 03:13 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O brilliant Oracle, whose lustrous answers shine with beauty, please tell me:
>
> What am I doing here?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are typing 'What am I doing here?'.
}
} You owe me the 'any' key on your keyboard.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject:  The Oracle replies!
   Date: 02/06/94 04:28 AM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O computational Oracle, whose brain is like a computer, please tell me:
>
> Who put the RAM in the ramalamadingdong, and was he an authorized dealer?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mon ami supplicante'
}       le RAM dans le "ramalamadingdong" n'est pa un RAM in the precise sense
} of le word, allors c'est un RAM a-la ma ding-dong.  Allors, I have not given
} that merde-brained chanson-writer permission to deal with ma ding-dong -- as
} vous know, mon cherie Lisa est le only one who deals with it.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a pack of French condoms with ticklers.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject:  The Oracle replies!
   Date: 02/03/94 08:10 AM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O parental Oracle, whose answers are both fatherly advice and motherly
> instinct, please tell me:
>
> If babies come from storks, where do baby storks come from?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} from the nest in Howard Stern's hair
}
} you owe the oracle a Nanuska Institute seaweed wrap.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject:  The Oracle replies!
   Date: 02/01/94 09:21 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O amorous Oracle, who knows all walks of life, please tell me:
>
> If, as they say, only fools rush in (where angels fear to tread), fall in
> love, and are soon parted from their money, how can I get a piece of the
> action?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You fool, do not take these expressions at face value.  For instance,
} if the early bird gets the worm, then what happens to the early worm?
} If at first, you don't succeed, then never become a skydiver.
}
} I should have you in stiches by now; if not, you owe me nine.
} You also owe the Oracle a big foolish Russian, since no angels will
} come near me.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 01/28/94 10:15 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How do I fix this bug?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know,
} You shouldn't be concerned about fixing the bug.  Simply step on it, and
} it most certainly won't have any babies.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 01/08/94 07:03 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who asked you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, he did. And he wasn't paying attention to the game when he did, so
} the firstbaseman and pitcher were able to pull the hidden-ball trick and tag
} him out when he led off.
}
} You owe the Oracle "The Best of Abbot and Castello"

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 01/04/94 01:15 AM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O powerful and amiable Oracle, please tell me:
>
> How do I win friends and influence people?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gamble,
} Lose a lot,
} Beat up the winners.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 11/04/95 02:52 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O squeaky-clean Oracle, whose morning breath smells like fresh lilacs,
> whose feet smell like a bouquet of daisies, whose underarms smell like a
> dozen roses, please tell me:
>
> Why is it that no matter how I adjust the hot and cold water in the shower,
> the water always comes out either too hot or too cold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are a child of nature.  One with the world,
} born of Earth, nurtured by the Sun.
} There are heavenly forces greater than yourself.
} Embrace your subservience.
} With the ebb and flow of the waters, as the
} Tides of Lunar Might, so shifts the plumbing.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 10/25/95 04:01 PM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O well-tempered Oracle, superior to me in every way, before whom I am
less
> than nothing, please bestow upon my unworthy self a morsel from your
> cornucopia of wisdom:
>
> Recently I got a battery operated combination clock/calendar/thermometer.
> The directions tell to set the time and date, but they say nothing about
> the thermometer. How can I change the temperature?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, is it a rectal or oral thermometer?
}
} You owe the Oracle a tub of petroleum jelly.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 10/25/95 11:49 AM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O communicative Oracle, whose asynchronous brain can process more
> information than is contained in the Library of Congress, next to whom I am
> but a mere grub, please tell me:
>
> I'm confused about cellular phones: instead of being the size of a cell, as
> I would expect, they're nearly the same size as a standard telephone. Why
> is that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant
}
} I fear that you have misunderstood the use of the term cellular.  This
} refers to the size of the brain of the average user rather than size of
} the telephone.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 4WD phonebox with bull bars.

   From: The Usenet Oracle
Subject: The Oracle replies!
   Date: 10/23/95 01:18 AM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O all-seeing Oracle, before whom I grovel like the flea-bitten rodent that
> I am, next to whom I am but an insignificant amoeba, please tell me:
>
> What will the Internet be like 50 years from now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The development of the Internet (in fact, all the 'nets) over the next
} fifty years will be comparable to the development of the American
} television networks over the past fifty years.  In 1945, there was only
} NBC, sending experimental, black-and-white broadcasts for two hours a week
} over telephone lines to reach the sixty-eight people in New York and
} Schenectady who had television sets that had a three-inch screen, but were
} the size of a refrigerator.  So here's how the future of the 'nets will
} look:
}
} 1996--The Dumonet is established, named for computing pioneer Allen B. Dumo.
}
} 1997--Newly built outlying Internet sites, not yet directly connected,
} receive their Internet feeds three weeks late, via low-density diskettes.
}
} 1998--The Amerinet and the Columbinet begin.  Columbinet would have started
} earlier, but it had been committed to a new idea in 'net propagation.  Its
} mechanical propagation system yielded better propagation than the
} Internet's electronic propagation system, but would have required everyone
} two have two separate computers if they wished to receive both Internet and
} Columbinet feeds.
}
} 1999--The East and Midwest are finally linked by a dedicated feed.
}
} 2001--The West Coast is linked, providing nationwide 'net service for the
} first time.  The URLsen Ratings are released for the first time, showing
} the most popular newsgroup to be the Internet's
} texaco.humor.comedians.crossdressing.
}
} 2002--Popular Dumonet newsgroup rec.humor.comedians.drivers.bus.fat moves
} to Columbinet, also the home of popular newsgroup
} rec.humor.comedians.female.redhead.zany.
}
} 2004--Amerinet, a distant third in the URLsen ratings, signs a deal with
} the Walt Disney Company, becoming a partner in the new Walt Disnetty World
} theme park in exchange for new newsgroups such as misc.cartoons.
} Meanwhile, Dumonet folds.  Nobody notices.
}
} 2005--The live "anthology" newsgroups, such as kraft.theater.net, begin to
} disappear, replaced by Western newsgroups with names such as
} us.western.weapon.pistol, us.western.weapon.shotgun, and
} us.western.weapon.horse.
}
} 2008--Web sites on which 'net users compete for big prizes become extremely
} popular; however, it is eventually discovered that most of these sites were
} rigged.  All of them, from http://www.question.com/64000 to
} http://www.isolation.booth.com/twenty-one, are replaced.
}
} 2010--The most popular newsgroup is us.western.weapon.gun.smoke.
}
} 2012--The humor newsgroups begin to make a comeback, replacing many
} newsgroups in the us.western hierarchy.  Popular humor newsgroups of the
} 2010's include rec.humor.rural.acres.green, rec.humor.magic.genie,
} rec.humor.magic.witch, rec.humor.parody.agents.secret, and the short-lived
} rec.humor.family.automobile.literally.
}
} 2015--Despite the predominance of humor newsgroups, Columbinet's
} us.western.ranchers.brothers.prosperous is the most popular.  The Internet
} becomes the first 'net to be completely in color.
}
} 2018--A cheaply-produced "newsgroup magazine," news.minutes.sixty,
} premieres on Columbinet.  It will eventually become the longest-running
} newsgroup on the 'net.
}
} 2021--Columbinet takes a gamble on a new kind of humor newsgroup, based on
} a British newsgroup.  rec.humor.relevant.bigot is a big hit.  Other
} rec.humor.relevant groups include rec.humor.relevant.bigot.wife.cousin
} (best-known for its 2024 "abortion" thread) and rec.humor.relevant.w*a*r
} (not carried by several Columbinet sites due to the "illegal characters" in
} its title).
}
} 2024--Amerinet premieres a humor newsgroup that capitalizes on the current
} '00s nostalgia trend.  rec.humor.nostalgia.milwaukee.school.high becomes
} the top-rated newsgroup within two years.  Other Amerinet newsgroups propel
} the longtime third-place Amerinet to the top:
} rec.fantasy.cruise.stars.guest, rec.fantasy.man.bionic, and
} rec.fantasy.island.fantasy.
}
} 2030--The soap. hierarchy is king, and the nation can't wait to find out
} the answer to "Who killfiled J.R.?" in the newsgroup soap.oil.
}
} 2032--Ethernet linkups to homes increase at an astounding rate.  A myriad
} of special-interest 'nets appear, most of them repeating old newsgroup
} posts from the Big Three 'nets.
}
} 2035--According to the URLsens, the top-rated newsgroup is the Internet's
} family newsgroup rec.humor.family.black.obstetrician.
}
} 2036--A fourth 'net is formed.  Foxnet's strategy is to provide less of a
} feed than the other three 'nets, concentrating on newsgroups in the
} rec.humor.tasteless and the soap. hierarchies.  The Internet merges with a
} consumer electronics/defense contractor.
}
} 2037--Amerinet merges with a real estate company.
}
} 2040--The top-rated newsgroup is the Internet's long-running newsgroup
} rec.humor.hangout.bar.
}
} 2045--Two more 'nets begin limited feeds:  Uniparanet and "The WN".  The
} combined County Seats/Amerinet merges with the Walt Disney Company.
} Columbinet accidentally merges with itself.  Popular newsgroups in 2045
} include the Internet's hits rec.humor.hangout.restaurant.coffee and
} rec.humor.hangout.apartment.comedian, Amerinet's several newsgroups in the
} rec.humor.family.blue-collar hierarchies, and Foxnet's
} soap.building.apartment and rec.humor.family.cartoon.
}
} There you have it.  If you want to know what the 'nets will be like 50
} years from now, watch American television today.
}
} You owe the Oracle a remote control.

You can also read answers [~94k] I've given as an Oracular incarnation, or see a list of digested Oracularities which I've asked or answered.

The Internet Oracle has its own web site.
Return to Kim Moser's Generic Home Page.
Copyright © 1996-1999 by Kim Moser (email)
Last modified: 10/27/2004