Transcript from a "meaningless hang" on the Ailanthus Tree

Message #23573 from JOHN COWAN at 11-Sep-84 19:04:35
The Ultimate PseudoChat Foofooraw,
from the days before Chat Mode....

   This gives you an idea of what the >>>>MEANINGLESS HANG<<< looked like
before I invented Chat Mode itself.....

JOE ZITT: Holy Cow! As of right now 8 people are on the Tree
simultaneously!

SINGER: HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S 8? IT DOES SEEM KINDA SLOW NOW TOO...

JOE ZITT: I, being the Great and Terrible Oz, have access to system
programs beyond the realm of mere mortals...

SINGER: I BEG YOUR FORGIVENESS, OH GREAT AND WONDERFUL ONE WHO
CONTROLS THE CPU!

JOE ZITT: Fear not.  I am all-merciful.

SINGER: NOW THAT I HAVE AN AUDIENCE WITH THE BOSS (?), WHAT KIND OF
SYSTEM IS THIS RUNNING ON?

JOE ZITT: A Tandem. See Msg #2716.

SINGER: ENLIGHTENING. IS THE MANUFACTURER 'TANDEM'? AS IN TANDEM 'TXP'
PARALLEL PROCESSORS? (CLAIM 2 B FASTER THAN THE CRAY 1)!

JOE ZITT: Yup, them's the folks.  We're on a "TNS II", tho we have a
TXP, too!

SINGER: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? TRIP OVER YOUR MODEM WIRE? YOU MISSED MY
ENCOUNTER WITH THE CENTIPEDE!

KIM MOSER: And you suddenly started talking about ...computers (not
centipedes) with someone else.

JOE ZITT: Sorry, got carried away with another program.  I'm back.

KIM MOSER: Ok, but so is the bug...

SINGER: WAS I THE OTHER GUY? DO YOU KNOW HOW THE TERM 'BUG' CAME ABOUT
(AS IN SYSTEM BUG)?

KIM MOSER: look at # 11280.  How can you be 2 people [bugs?] at once?
Not logical, captain.

HUGH: How can you be in two places at once, when you're not anywhere
at all?

KIM MOSER: I dunno.  Ask God.

SINGER: I DON'T KNOW, BUT THIS SUCKER'S IN ANOTHER DIMENSION
NOW...BETWEEN MY HEEL AND A HARD PLACE...

KIM MOSER: I shudder to think what the hard place is.

SINGER: WHY DO THEY NEED ALL THOSE LEGS! HOW DID IT GET PAST MY
SOPHISTICATED ALARM SYSTEM!

KIM MOSER: There was a bug in it, of course!

HUGH: If we didn't have all these legs, all those hip joints would be
wasted!

ENVER HOXHA: GATO, huh?  I think we won't forget this one....lessee,
mebbe L. GATO....

KIM MOSER: Maybe...

JOE ZITT: Hmmm... Try to remember...

KIM MOSER: ..those days in September...

JOE ZITT: ...when thoughts were blurred and brains were jello...

KIM MOSER: ...The buck stops here.

JOE ZITT: Not all Gatos are Barbierians!

SINGER: WHAZZITT (NO PUN IN THERE!) 'DIS TING 'GATO' ???

JOE ZITT: G.reat A.nd T.errible O.z !

SINGER: HOW IGNOBLE, UN-INTELLIGENT OF ME! WHAT A DISPLAY A
FEEBLE-MINDEDNESS...

JOE ZITT: Thou art forgiven.

KIM MOSER: And I though it stood for GATOrade!

SINGER: OUR HOSTAGE MR. CENT I. PEDE HAS REVIVED! OPENED A BLEARY EYE,
PEEKED AT HIS CAPTOR AND LAPSED SEMI-CONSCIOUS AGAIN.

HUGH: I walk!  I talk!  I crawl on my belly like a reptile!

KIM MOSER: You also type like a computer programmer.  How about a job
at Atari?

HUGH: If you knew what I knew (drool, drool, pray...)

KIM MOSER: Please explain.  You might be in for a nasty shock.

HUGH: What kinda shock? Are you >really< with Atari?

KIM MOSER: Are you nuts?  Atari is a bunch of dumb centipede-lovers.

HUGH: Watch it, or I'll report you to the NAACL (National Assoc. For
Advancement of Centipede Lovers)!

KIM MOSER: Read this msg...  Did you know that if you put centipedes
on railroad tracks, they will walk along them until the train hits
them?  It's true!   Last summer I set up a whole troop of centipedes
walking along the track.  And then there were none.

JOE ZITT: The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah...

KIM MOSER: ...the little one stopped to suck his thumb...

HUGH: Thumb? What's a thumb? We don't even have toes !!!

KIM MOSER: A thumb is that thing on your ear.

KIM MOSER: Me......[yawn!]......to play......

KIM MOSER: everyone chickened (centipeded?) out, huh?

JOHN COWAN: Just who is this Barbier?

JOE ZITT: Probably a Sevillian.

GREGORY COHEN: YOU USED THAT QUOTE WITH ME ALSO, I THINK YOU ARE
LOOSING YOUR ORIGINALITY.

ENVER HOXHA: The snowtire stud routine was a retread, too, but....
....on the whole I think he's a pretty original GATO.

RED RABBIT: Did you know that Gato is an obscene word on one the
planes I exist on?

ENVER HOXHA: Yeah, that's why they invented the GATO Raid.  But in
Spanish el gato is "the cat".

SINGER: SOMEWHAT, I GUESS. GOD THIS >HUGH< BUG JUST WALKED IN. HANG
ON....!!!!

KIM MOSER: Make that "huge".

HUGH: Give my regards to Gregor Samsa.

SINGER: SHOULD I TERMINATE IT'S EXISTENCE AT THIS MOMENT?

KIM MOSER: Flip a coin...I got it......Tails!  He's dead meat!

SINGER: HAHAHAHA W E   G O T   H I M !!!!! ONE OF THESE CENTIPEDE
THINGS...THEY REALLY MOVE FAST!!!

KIM MOSER: Probably a Centipede from Atari.

HUGH: Naw, I exist in many dimensions, many bodies... I am all bugdom!

SINGER: WELL, ONE OF YOUR BODIES IS SQUISHED ON MY CARPET. PERHAPS
IT'S FROM ATARI? I PROMISE! I WON'T BUY THAT MAC!

KIM MOSER: Oh, wow!  A bug with a computer! [Lots of room for puns
there!]

HUGH: It's a mehitabel job, but someone's gotta do it!

SINGER: A >WHAT< JOB?

JOE ZITT: Mehitabel: A large furry animal, prone to defending bugs.
Not to be mistaken for a meatloaf.

KIM MOSER: Ever heard of Archy and Mehitabel?

JOE ZITT: Who hasn't?

KIM MOSER: Obviously Singer hadn't.  And if you're so smart, who are
they?

JOE ZITT: archy: a writer reincarnated as a cockroach.  See #11285 for
Mehitabel.

SINGER: I FEEL >SO< UNEDUCATED! DIDN'T KAFKA WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT
THIS SUBJECT?

KIM MOSER: Speaking of which, there's a game called Caverns of Kafka.

SINGER: I STILL HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FINISH 'RAAKA-TU' AND I REALLY
DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THOSE THINGS ANYWAY

KIM MOSER: Oh, I see. Mr. Sophisticated has no time to stoop to the
pleasures of mortal man.

SINGER: NO NO ! I DIDN'T MEAN TO SOUND SUPERIOR AND STUCK-UP. I JUST
HAD A HARD SEMESTER, WITH LITTLE TIME FOR >MORTAL PLEASURES<.

KIM MOSER: Ok, I apologise.

SINGER: ACCEPTED. THIS GUY STILL APPEARS COMATOSE. SHOULD WE DO AN
AUTOPSY?

KIM MOSER: Lemme get my chain-saw.  You got an axe?

SINGER: I'VE GOT A HAMMER-DRILL...WE COULD DO A LOBOTOMY. WONDER WHAT
THEY THINK ABOUT?

HUGH: I die and yet I live. The heels of humanity cannot stop my
ubiquitous spirit!

KIM MOSER: Just hold still a minute and say that!!!

HUGH: Holding still is meaningless to a multidimensional being!

KIM MOSER: Leaving messages to unseen bugs at 2:00 in the morning is
meaningless.

JOE ZITT: Whaddaya mean, meaningless? (Loop, loop).

SINGER: WELL, ONE OF YOUR RELATIVES HAS BEEN SEVERELY DEPRESSED IN ONE
OF HIS DIMENSIONS. HE HAS EXPANDED IN THE OTHERS, THOUGH.

JOE ZITT: "I'm crushed!" he said, flatly.

KIM MOSER: "That's not funny", he said laughingly.

SINGER: A UNI-DIMENSIONAL BEING OFFERED ON THE ALTAR OF HUMAN
MISUNDERSTANDING....

KIM MOSER: man, what are you smoking?

SINGER: HECK..I DON'T KNOW..JUST PUT ON SOME FLOYD..AND TOOK A
PUFF..AND THEN POOOF!! IN CAME THE PINK CENTIPEDES!

KIM MOSER: Let me get this straight--you started smoking records???

SINGER: KINDA PUTS A NEW SPIN ON THINGS NO? JUST HARD FIT IN YOUR
MOUTH...

JOE ZITT: Nah, smoking records have been around a long time.  Remember
"Don't Bogart that Joint?"

KIM MOSER: Is that Bogart, as in Humphrey?

JOE ZITT: Derivation uncertain.  Paging Enver Hoxha!

KIM MOSER: As in "call for Philip Morris?"

JOE ZITT: Paging Mr. Sharkey -- white courtesy phone...

KIM MOSER: Holy centipedes, Batman!  It's the hotline to the
Commissioner's office!

SINGER: NO FLOPPIES FOR ME...I GOT ME SOME HI-GRADE PLATTERS. THAT
WINCHESTER GUY KNOWS HIS BUSINESS!!! DOUBLE DENSITY STUFF HERE!

KIM MOSER: But isn't it hard to roll them?

JOE ZITT: They're round, aren't they?

KIM MOSER: They're FLAT, too, dodo.  And how do you roll a
3-dimensional object in more than one diminsion at once?

JOE ZITT: Forward and downhill.

KIM MOSER: If that turns you on, go right ahead.

JOE ZITT: ...and turn left at the blinking turtle.

SINGER: NYNEX MUST >LOVE< THESE BBS THINGS. GOD KNOWS WHAT MY PHONE
BILL WILL BE LIKE THIS MONTH

HUGH: It's all a human plot!

ENVER HOXHA: A little centipede, Hugh, more!

KIM MOSER: "...then my name isn't Alexander Graham...NYNEX!"

JOE ZITT: ...and I thought "NYNEX, NYNEX" was how Mork said "Nobody
home"!

KIM MOSER: That guy's a fraud.  Just yesterday I saw him in a movie
and he was pretending to be from Russia.

SINGER: TO ROLL A HARD DISK, SIMPLY INSERT IT INTO A PIPE-DRIVE, AND
YOU'LL BE IN HIGH-RAM INSTANTLY!

KIM MOSER: NOW what are you smoking?  A LOGO disk?

JOE ZITT: Cogito LOGO ergo DRAW.

KIM MOSER: "Juglito ergo sum"  --- Who said that??

JOE ZITT: The Flying Karamazov Brothers, of course!

SINGER: YE ALL KEN GO SPEAK LATIN, I'LL JUST TRY TO LEARN A LITTLE
CENTIPEDIAN (CENTIPEDEISH?)

HUGH: Not easy for a human.  It's mostly body language.  We talk with
our feet.

SINGER: I DO HAVE A HOSTAGE...SLOW AMUTATION OF JUST A FEW LEGS SHOULD
HAVE HIM ALL READY TO TALK...(VEE HAFF VAYS....)

HUGH: He is but a bare shell. I have drained his mind into a remote
body.  I am everywhere.

KIM MOSER: I know someone who once turned a daddy-long-legs into a
daddy-no-legs.

SINGER: CRUEL AND UNUSUAL! I USED TO GAS YELLOW JACKS! I ONCE GAVE A
CAT SOME VALIUM...SLEPT FOR A >GOOD< TWO DAYS!

KIM MOSER: Wait a minute!  Dagmar's cat Elizabeth got chloroformed and
lived!

SINGER: IT WAS PRETTY NASTY...POOR THING JUST KEELED OVER....TRIED
SMELLING SALTS...JUST SNEEZED, AND RESUMED SLEEP MODE.

KIM MOSER: But that cat was dying!  Don't YOU remember Momma?

SINGER: WELL, OURS JUST WENT INTO LIMBO FOR A WHILE...THEY GET DRUNK
TOO...EVER SEE A DRUNK CAT??

KIM MOSER: No, but I've seen a stoned one.  Damn thing nearly got me
killed.

SINGER: SURE, WHAT DO YOU THINK CATNIP IS? AND WHAT DO YOU THINK MAKES
'EM GO CHOW-CHOW-CHOW? SPEED, MAN.

KIM MOSER: Catnip???  REALLY???  Wow, where's a pet store??

SINGER: THERE'S ONE ON KINGS HIGHWAY THAT SELLS TARANTULAS AND
PIRANAHS AND SNAKES ..ETC. WILD PLACE.

KIM MOSER: How stoned can you get on a tarantula?

JOE ZITT: It's not the spider that gets you... it's the recovery
dance!

KIM MOSER: Piranas have a real BITE to them.

SINGER: YOU CAN GET KINKY WITH A SLINKY. SNAKE.

KIM MOSER: Like Nastassia Kinsky and the snake?

JOE ZITT: How depressing. Nasty K's got an outie...

KIM MOSER: [01/23/1997: Gratuitous, offensive statement deleted; my apologies --K.M.]

HUGH: You ever see the one of Chris Atkins in similar pose?

KIM MOSER: No, I don't get those magazines.

HUGH: 'tis pity.

KIM MOSER: Actually, I publish them.

SINGER: HAVING WOKEN TO FIND MY NOSE LODGED BETWEEN THE G & H KEYS,
METHINKS IT WOULD BE MOST ADVISBLE TO TERMINATE MESELF..

SINGER: GOODNIGHT JOE, KIM, HUGH, ENVER AND EVERYBODY ELSE STILL
ALIVE..

KIM MOSER: Good MORNING, Singer.  What's for breakfast?

JOE ZITT: Good night, Jon Boy... and good night for NBC news...

SINGER: PROCESSOR HAS REQUESTED AN INTERRUPT..CPU HAS REACHED
SATURATION..PERFORMANCE IS DEGRADED..MUST DISCONNECT...

SINGER: WHAT DO YOU THINK OUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SYSOP WILL DO WITH
ALL THESE UNCATEGORIABLE(SP?) MESSAGES!?

JOE ZITT: Eventually, it will all go into the "PseudoChats" section of
obsolete silliness.

KIM MOSER: Put them in the circular file.

KIM MOSER: By the way, do you know Floyd?

KIM MOSER: "Computerese"

KIM MOSER: Tell me something you don't know.  [heh heh]

SINGER: HEH HEH...CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING I DON'T KNOW...HMMM....

KIM MOSER: But how do you know that you can't think of anything you
don't know?

SINGER: HAVING SCANNED ALL THE ACTIVE CEREBRUMS IN THE VICINITY..IT
SEEMS THAT ALL KNOWLEDGE HAS BEEN PREVIOUSLY SPOOLED IN...

JOE ZITT: The filght velocity of an unladen sparrow?

KIM MOSER: Australian or European sparrow?

SINGER: HIT A CTRL-G (BELL) . SYSTEM BOMBED ON ME. GET A MOON-TAN NOW.

KIM MOSER: I don't quite follow.

ENVER HOXHA: Maybe >that's< what the Firesign Theatre should have
called it.

ENVER HOXHA: Yes, it is, as you no doubt know quite well.  Does it
make you feel old when....  ....you say "don't bogart that joint" and
your listener doen't recognize the reference?

JOE ZITT: But how did the term "bogart" arise?

KIM MOSER: Same way "shamus" did.

ENVER HOXHA: From the way Bogey always used to smoke his cigarettes.

SINGER: NOW CASSETTES...WELL...LET ME TELL YOU !! CASSETTES ARE JUST
ONE FERRI-CHROME HIGH-BIAS HIGH!

KIM MOSER: How about diskettes?

JOE ZITT: Eh.  Those 3-inch things the Mac uses don't even getcha
buzzed.

KIM MOSER: How about 50-meg hard disks?  They really get you spinning.

SINGER: BELIEVE IT GUY! YOUV'E HAD YOUR LAST STAND! IT'S CENTIPEDE
HEAVEN FROM HERE ON. PERHAPS ATARI WOULD HIRE YOU?

KIM MOSER: Naah, he already tried out for Space Invaders and got
rejected.

HUGH: Besides, I've got enough trouble thinking in 3D.  Imagine me on
a 2D screen... maybe not even hi-res!

SINGER: ENOUGH FRIVOLITY! HOW DO YOU THINK MRS. MILLY PEDE FEELS AT
THIS MOMENT!? SHOW SOME COMPASSION FOR LEGGY BEINGS(?).

KIM MOSER: I think she's having an affair with Ray D. O'Shack.

JOE ZITT: Sort of. See Beetle Bailiwick SIG #9416.

KIM MOSER: Something like that.

ENVER HOXHA: Yes, I think >definitely< L. GATO....

KIM MOSER: Lawrence GATO, esq.

KIM MOSER: Tell me, weren't you in my word processor a few days ago?

HUGH: Savoir Faire is everywhere!




 1 * A marvelous example of free
    association - Freud would have
    loved it.
 2 * Now all you folks w/o a BREAK key
    know what a sysop's night with
    Chattext is like.