I've retained the original formatting so you may have to adjust it to get the file to display and/or print correctly. Noisy phone lines caused the occasional glitch or truncated file. I replaced some, but not all, instances of line noise with "[ERROR]" where applicable.

 *************************************
 *         HITCHIKERS GUIDE          *
 *************************************
 
 BEFORE WE GET STARTED, A FEW
 WORDS OF ADVICE. THIS IS NOT THE
 ONLY WAY OF GETTING THROUGH THE
 GAME. MANY OF THE PROBLEMS AND
 SITUATIONS (SUCH AS THE WHALE'S
 BELLY) HAVE MORE THAN ONE
 SOLUTION. SO, YOU MIGHT WANT TO
 SAVE THE GAME FROM TIME TO TIME,
 AND EXPERIMENT A LITTLE, TO SEE
 IF YOU CAN FIND OTHER WAYS OF
 
   DOING THINGS (ACTUALLY, IT'S
 WISE TO SAVE THE GAME ANYWAY, IN
 CASE YOU MAKE A MISTAKE).
 
  ALSO, CONSULT THE GUIDE
 FREQUENTLY DURING PLAY; YOU WILL
 GAIN SOME USEFUL INSIGHTS TO
 SOME OF THE OBJECTS YOU COME
 ACROSS, AND EVEN SOME HELPFUL
 INFORMATION (SOMETIMES). AND
 REMEMBER, NO MATTER HOW BAD
 THINGS MAY LOOK: DON'T PANIC!
  HERE YOU ARE, MILD-MANNERED
 ARTHUR DENT, ABOUT TO START THE
 WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE, ALTHOUGH
 YOU DON'T KNOW THAT...YET!
 ACTUALLY, THE DAY IS ALREADY
 GETTING OFF TO A BAD START,
 SINCE YOU'VE JUST WOKEN UP IN
 THE DARK, WITH A REALLY BAD
 HEADACHE (AND IT'S ALL DOWNHILL
 FROM HERE).
 &  THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO DO
 IS STAND UP AND TURN ON THE
 LIGHT. THAT'S A LITTLE BETTER,
 ANYWAY! OR MAYBE NOT, SINCE
 YOU'RE HAVING A HARD TIME
 GETTING COORDINATED. GRAB THE
 DRESSING GOWN AND PUT IT ON,
 THEN LOOK IN THE POCKET. AH, AN
 ANALGESIC! TAKE THAT, THEN GET
 THE SCREWDRIVER AND THE
 TOOTHBRUSH, AND HEAD SOUTH TO
 THE PORCH (DID YOU HEAR A TREE
  FALL? RATHER OMNIOUS, ISN'T
 IT?).
 
  HERE YOU FIND SOMETHING NO
 MODERN HOME SHOULD BE WITHOUT:
 JUNK MAIL. TAKE THE MAIL, AND GO
 ON OUTSIDE. UH-OH! THERE'S A
 VERY BIG BULLDOZER ON ITS WAY TO
 LEVEL YOUR HOME, AND THERE'S
 PROSSER STANDING BY, WATCHING IT
 ALL. ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THIS
 LYING DOWN?
 Q YOU BET YOU ARE! THAT'S THE
 ONLY WAY TO STOP IT: LIE DOWN IN
 FRONT OF THE BULLDOZER. NO
 MATTER HOW CLOSE THE THING GETS,
 DON'T PANIC; IT WON'T RUN YOU
 OVER (OF COURSE, IN A SHORT
 TIME, IT REALLY WON'T MATTER
 WHAT HAPPENS TO THE HOUSE, BUT
 YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YET).  UST
 WAIT AWHILE UNTIL FORD PREFECT
 SHOWS UP (READ THE JUNK MAIL
 WHILE YOU WAIT).
 
  FORD SEEMS A TRIFLE PREOCCUPIED
 WITH THE SKY, BUT HE IS AWARE
 ENOUGH OF YOU TO TRY AND GIVE
 YOU BACK YOUR TOWEL. DON'T TAKE
 IT, OR HE'LL LEAVE AND YOU WILL
 BE A LOT WORSE OFF THAN YOU EVER
 IMAGINED (CAN THINGS BE WORSE
 THAN THIS? THEY SURE CAN!).
 
  INSTEAD OF TAKING THE TOWEL,
 ASK FORD ABOUT YOUR HOME. HE
 WILL EVENTUALLY COME TO HIS
 SENSES, AND REALIZE WHAT IS
 GOING ON. WHEN THAT HAPPENS, HE
 WILL BE ABLE TO PERSUADE PROSSER
 TO TAKE YOUR PLACE IN FRONT OF
 THE BULLDOZER WHILE THE TWO OF
 YOU HEAD OFF TO THE PUB TO HOIST
 A FEW.
 
  AS SOON AS PROSSER TAKES YOUR
 PLACE, GO SOUTH AND WEST TO THE
  PUB. BUY A CHEESE (?) SANDWICH
 WHILE YOU WAIT FOR HIM TO ARRIVE
 (WHEN YOU READ THE DESCRIPTION,
 YOU'LL UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE
 "?"). WHEN FORD GETS THERE,
 HE'LL BUY YOU A FEW BEERS. DRINK
 ONLY THREE OF THEM.
 
  AROUND ABOUT THE TIME YOU'VE
 FINISHED THE THIRD ONE, THERE
 WILL BE A LOUD CRASH. IN FACT,
 IT'S THE SOUND OF YOUR HOME
 BEING DEMOLISHED BY THE
 BULLDOZER (THAT WILL TEACH YOU
 TO TRUST ANYONE WHO WEARS A
 DIGITAL WATCH!). DON'T TAKE THAT
 SITTING DOWN, LEAVE THE PUB AND
 RETURN TO WHERE YOUR HOUSE USED
 TO BE. ALONG THE WAY, YOU'LL SEE
 A STARVING DOG.
 
  WHILE YOU MAY WONDER IF
 ANYTHING COULD EAT THAT SANDWICH
 AND SURVIVE, GIVE IT TO THE DOG,
 WHO WILL (AMAZINGLY!) ENJOY IT
 IMMENSELY, IGNORING A
 MICROSCOPIC SPACE FLEET THAT
 WHIZZES PAST (REMEMBER THAT
 FLEET). THEN CONTINUE ON TO THE
 RUINS OF YOUR HOME (FORD WILL BE
 RIGHT BEHIND YOU).
 
  AND JUST ABOUT NOW, TO PUT A
 PERFECT ENDING TO A PERFECT DAY
 (WHICH HAS JUST BARELY BEGUN),
 THE VOGON CONSTRUCTION SHIPS
 APPEAR, TO DEMOLISH THE EARTH TO
 MAKE WAY FOR A NEW HYPER-SPACE
 BYPASS (HMMM, MAYBE FORD WASN'T
 KIDDING WHEN HE SAID HE WAS FROM
 ANOTHER PLANET, OR THAT EARTH
 WOULD BE DESTROYED IN A SHORT
 TIME).
 
  STILL, DON'T PANIC...WAIT UNTIL
 FORD DROPS THE SUB-ETHA
 SIGNALLING DEVICE. THERE WON'T
 BE MUCH TIME AFTER THAT, SO PICK
 UP THE DEVICE, PUSH THE GREEN
 BUTTON (IF YOU DROPPED THE
 AUNT'S THING, HAVE NO FEAR: IT
 WILL TURN UP AGAIN LATER), AND
 YOU WILL BE IN....THE DARK.
 
  GET USED TO THAT, YOU'LL BE
 SPENDING A LOT OF TIME THERE
 BEFORE THIS ADVENTURE IS OVER.
 NOTICE THAT, AT FIRST, YOU CAN'T
 DO MUCH. ALL YOUR FIVE SENSES
 SEEM TO BE OUT OF ORDER.
 HOWEVER, IF YOU WAIT, AND READ
 THE DESCRIPTIONS VERY CAREFULLY,
 YOU WILL SEE THAT EVENTUALLY, IT
 MENTIONS ONLY 4 OF YOUR SENSES.
 THE ONE THAT'S MISSING IS THE
 ONE YOU CAN USE. KEEP THIS IN
 MIND, IT WILL COME IN HANDY
 LATER.
 
  RIGHT NOW, YOUR NOSE SEEMS TO
 BE WORKING AGAIN, SO SMELL.
 SNIFF, SNIFF. UGH! WHATEVER IT
 IS, IT SURE IS STRONG! YOU ARE
 ALSO NOW DIMLY AWARE OF A
 SHADOW, SO LOOK AT IT. WELL,
 WELL, IT TURNS OUT TO BE FORD
 PREFECT! AND, LOOKING AROUND,
 YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THE HOLD OF
 A VOGON SHIP. CERTAINLY BETTER
 THAN BEING ON EARTH (OR WHERE
 EARTH USED TO BE).
 
  THERE'S A GLASS CASE WITH AN
 ATOMIC VECTOR PLOTTER INSIDE,
 BUT DON'T BOTHER WITH IT YET.
 YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO
 FIRST, NAMELY, OBTAIN A BABEL
 FISH. THAT SHOULDN'T BE HARD,
 RIGHT? ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS
 PUSH THE BUTTON ON THE
 DISPENSING MACHINE, AND YOU'LL
 HAVE ONE, RIGHT? HEHEHEHEHEHE!
 
  THOSE BABEL FISH ARE PRETTY
 SLIPPERY CHARACTERS (BUT, YOU
 MAY HAVE FOUND THAT OUT ALREADY
 FOR YOURSELF!). AND THE CLEANING
 ROBOTS ARE CERTAINLY NO HELP;
 THEY SEEM TO HAVE ONLY ONE
 MISSION IN LIFE: GRABBING YOUR
 FISH AWAY FROM YOU. WELL, WE
 REALLY CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN!
 
  SO, FIRST THING TO DO IS REMOVE
 YOUR GOWN AND HANG IT ON THE
 HOOK. NOW, WAIT FOR FORD TO CURL
 UP, THEN GET THE TOWEL AND THE
 SATCHEL. PUT THE TOWEL OVER THE
 DRAIN, AND THE SATCHEL IN FRONT
 OF THE ROBOT PANEL. NOW COMES
 THE PART THAT DRIVES MOST PEOPLE
 CRAZY: THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO
 STOP THE UPPER-HALF-OF-THE-ROOM
 CLEANING ROBOT. BUT, IT'S SO
 SIMPLE: JUST PUT THE JUNK MAIL
 ON TOP OF THE SATCHEL.
 
  NOW YOU CAN PUSH THE BUTTON!
 THEN STEP BACK AND WATCH THE
 RUBE GOLDBERG SHENANIGANS, WHICH
 END WITH THE BABEL FISH STUCK
 SOLIDLY IN YOUR EAR (SQUISH!).
 BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT OUTER
 SPACE WOULD BE LIKE THIS!
 HOWEVER, NOW THAT YOU HAVE THE
 FISH, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO
 UNDERSTAND ANYONE WHO TALKS TO
 YOU.
 BY THE WAY, SOMEWHERE ALONG THE
 LINE, YOU WILL GET A MESSAGE
 THAT ONE OF THE PHRASES YOU'VE
 USED WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN
 STARTING A WAR THAT WIPED OUT
 MOST OF A SMALL GALAXY. THERE IS
 NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THIS;
 NO MATTER HOW YOU TRY, IT WILL
 COME TO PASS. RATHER
 UNFORTUNATE, ISN'T IT? EVEN MORE
 UNFORTUNATE, SOONER OR LATER,
 THE SURVIVORS WILL FIGURE OUT
 HOW THAT HAPPENED, AND THEY WILL
 BE LOOKING FOR REVENGE....BUT
 MORE ABOUT THAT CHARMING
 PROSPECT LATER.
   RIGHT NOW, PRESS THE SWITCH ON
 THE CASE. THIS WILL TELL YOU
 WHAT THE CODE WORD IS THAT WILL
 OPEN THE CASE SO YOU CAN SNATCH
 THE PLOTTER. MAKE CAREFUL NOTE
 OF WHAT WORD IS REQUIRED; IT IS
 CHOSEN RANDOMLY EACH TIME. TOO
 BAD YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO SOME
 PRETTY ROTTEN POETRY TO GET THE
 WORD.
 
  SPEAKING OF POETRY, IN A SHORT
 WHILE, YOU AND FORD WILL BE
 HUSTLED INTO THE CAPTAIN'S
 QUARTERS, AND STRAPPED INTO
 POETRY APPRECIATION CHAIRS
 (WORSER THINGS COULD HAPPEN, BUT
 RIGHT NOW, YOU PROBABLY CAN'T
 THINK OF ANY). AFTER THE VOGON
 CAPTAIN HAS TORTURED YOU WITH
 THE FIRST VERSE, GRIT YOUR TEETH
 AND ENJOY THE POETRY. HE WILL
 THEN, TO YOUR DISMAY, READ YOU
 THE NEXT VERSE.
 WHILE FORD TRIES TO TALK THE
 GUARD OUT OF SPACING THE TWO OF
 YOU, TYPE IN THE WORD FROM THE
 POEM. YOU MUST PUT QUOTES AROUND
 THE WORD, OR IT WON'T GO
 THROUGH. THEN GET THE PLOTTER
 WHEN THE CASE OPENS. NOW JUST
 WAIT AWHILE, AND YOU AND FORD
 WILL SOON BE IN THE AIRLOCK,
 WITH VERY LITTLE TIME LEFT.
 IN FACT, TIME HAS JUST RUN OUT,
 AND THERE YOU ARE IN THE DEPTHS
 OF SPACE. LUCKY FOR YOU, THE
 GUIDE EXPLAINED HOW TO SURVIVE
 ALL OF 30 SECONDS OUT THERE!
 WELL, PERHAPS NOT SO LUCKY,
 SINCE, CONSIDERING THE VASTNESS
 OF SPACE, IT'S QUITE IMPROBABLE
 THAT ANOTHER SHIP WILL COME BY
 TO PICK YOU UP BEFORE THE 30
 SECONDS RUN OUT. SO NATURALLY,
 29 SECONDS LATER, THE HEART OF
 GOLD (THE HOG) COMES PAST AND
 PICKS YOU UP.
  THERE YOU ARE IN THE DARK
 AGAIN. WAIT AND WATCH THE
 DISPLAY, UNTIL IT NO LONGER SAYS
 YOU CAN'T HEAR. THEN LISTEN, AND
 YOU WILL HEAR THE SOUND OF THE
 STAR DRIVE. NOW IT GETS CUTE:
 THE PROGRAM WILL LIE TO YOU, AND
 SAY THERE IS AN EXIT TO PORT.
 DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT! GO AFT
 INSTEAD, AND YOU WILL BE IN
 ENTRY BAY  2. YOU CAN IGNORE THE
 BROCHURE, IF YOU LIKE.
 
  GO AFT AGAIN, AND YOU'RE IN THE
 FORE END OF THE CORRIDOR. HERE,
 FORD WILL FIND YOU YOU, AND TAKE
 YOU UP TO THE BRIDGE, WHERE YOU
 MEET ZAPHOD AND TRILLIAN.
 ACTUALLY, YOU'VE SEEN THEM BOTH
 BEFORE, AT A PARTY YOU ATTENDED
 A SHORT TIME AGO. WHILE YOU
 LISTEN TO THE CHATTER BETWEEN
 ZAPHOD AND FORD, YOU CAN BEGIN
 TO DROP SOME ITEMS HERE.
 
  YOU CAN DROP THE PLOTTER,
 SCREWDRIVER, GOWN, AND
 SIGNALLING DEVICE. BY THIS TIME,
 EVERYONE ELSE HAS GONE TO THE
 SAUNA, LEAVING YOU ALONE ON THE
 BRIDGE WITH EDDIE, THE SHIPBOARD
 COMPUTER. DON'T MIND EDDIE, HE'S
 A LITTLE OVER-PROTECTIVE, BUT
 HE'S A GOOD SORT AT HEART. IN
 FACT
 YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH IGNORE
 HIM, AS WELL AS MARVIN THE
 PARANOID ROBOT, ALTHOUGH MARVIN
 WILL BE IMPORTANT MUCH LATER ON
 (DEPRESSING AS THAT MAY SOUND).
 
  OK, TIME TO PREPARE FOR SOME
 PRETTY WEIRD HAPPENINGS! FIRST
 YOU'LL NEED THE SPARE
 IMPROBABILITY DRIVE. SO, GO
 DOWN, THEN AFT. KEEP GOING AFT.
 PROVIDED WITH A DELICIOUS (?)
 CUP OF ADVANCED TEA SUBSTITUTE.
 FORTUNATELY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
 DRINK IT. TAKE THE CUP (IGNORE
 THE CARTON, IT'S USELESS) AND
 RETURN TO THE BRIDGE.
  DROP THE CUP AND THE DRIVE.
 NOW, PLUG THE SMALL PLUG IN TO
 THE SMALL RECEPTACLE, AND PUT
 THE PLOTTER'S DANGLY BIT INTO
 THE TEA SUBSTITUTE. OK, YOU ARE
 ABOUT TO HAVE SOME PRETTY
 STRANGE EXPERIENCES, BUT BEFORE
 YOU THROW THE SWITCH, SOME WORDS
 OF ADVICE AND CAUTION.
 
  THERE ARE FIVE SCENARIOS (ALL
 RATHER SHORT, BUT ALL OF THEM
 IMPORTANT), THAT HAVE TO BE
 COMPLETED. THEY COME UP IN
 RANDOM ORDER, SO EACH ONE HAS
 ITS OWN LITTLE SECTION OF THE
 WALKTHRU. THE LEAD-IN TO EACH OF
 THEM IS THAT FAMILIAR DARK AREA,
 WHERE YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL ONE
 OF YOUR SENSES IS WORKING AGAIN.
 YOU WILL BE IN THE DARK AREA
 AGAIN WHEN THE SCENARIO ENDS
 (AND YOU WILL HAVE TO LISTEN FOR
 THE DRIVE SOUND), WHICH WILL
 THEN BRING YOU BACK TO THE HOG.
 
  ALSO, BE AWARE THERE ARE TIMES
 THAT YOU MAY BRIEFLY GO BACK TO
 ONE OF THE SCENARIOS YOU HAVE
 ALREADY COMPLETED. YOU JUST SORT
 OF BOUNCE IN AND OUT OF THOSE,
 BUT YOU DO HAVE TO SPEND TIME
 WAITING IN THE DARK. I COULDN'T
 FIND A WAY AROUND THIS, SO
 YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH
 IT. FINALLY, IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO
 SAVE THE GAME AFTER YOU COMPLETE
 EACH SCENARIO, JUST IN CASE.
 WITH THAT SAID, IT'S TIME, SO
 PUSH THE SWITCH!
        THE BUGBLATTER BEAST
  WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THE DARK,
 YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THE LAIR OF
 THE DREADED BUGBLATTER BEAST.
 THERE ARE, PERHAPS, BETTER
 PLACES YOU COULD WISH YOURSELF
 TO BE IN, CONSIDERING THAT,
 AMONG ITS MANY CHARMS, THE
 BUGBLATTER HAS THOSE
 TUNGSTEN-CARBIDE VAST-PAIN CLAWS
 (PERHAPS HE WAS A DENTIST IN A
 PREVIOUS LIFE).
 
  HOWEVER, YOU ARE HERE FOR A
 PURPOSE, SO YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO
 DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE BEAST.
 CONSULTING THE GUIDE TELLS YOU
 THAT BUGBLATTERS ARE INCREDIBLY
 STUPID, WHICH IS CERTAINLY THE
 CASE. IN THE MEANTIME, THE BEAST
LONG, SO YOU HAVE TO FOOL HIM,
AND QUICKLY. LUCKY FOR YOU, THIS
ISN'T HARD.

 CARVE YOUR NAME ON THE
BUGBLATTER'S MEMORIAL. WHEN HE
SEES THE NAME THERE, HE WILL
THINK HE'S ALREADY EATEN YOU,
WHICH IS WHY HE CAN'T SEE YOU
(DUMB MAY BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT
HERE). THE BEAST WILL THEN CURL
UP FOR A NAP, LEAVING YOU FREE
(AFTER REMOVING THE TOWEL!) TO
RE-ENTER THE LAIR AND THEN GO
SOUTHWEST.

 HERE YOU WILL FIND THE SKELETON
OF SOME POOR SOUL CLUTCHING A
NUTRIMAT COMPUTER INTERFACE
CARD. TAKE THE CARD, AND JUST
WAIT AROUND FOR AWHILE. YOU WILL
BE MISTAKENLY CAPTURED AS A
BUGBLATTER BEAST (TALK ABOUT
INSULTS!), BUT YOU WILL
EVENTUALLY BE FREED, AND HAVE
SOME OTHER ADVENTURES ALONG THE
WAY, BEFORE YOU FIND YOURSELF
BACK IN THE DARK AGAIN.

 WHEN YOU GET BACK TO THE HOG,
YOU CAN DROP THE ASTEROID PAINT
CHIPPER AND THE INTERFACE CARD
IN THE FORE END BEFORE GOING UP
TO THE BRIDGE (YOU'LL NEED THE
INTERFACE LATER, BUT THERE'S NO
NEED TO DRAG IT AROUND WITH YOU
(NOW). ONCE ON THE BRIDGE, PUSH
THE SWITCH AGAIN, AND YOU'LL BE
BACK IN THE DARK.
THE DARK ENDS WITH SOMETHING
LIQUIDY TO THE TOUCH. IN FACT,
YOU FIND YOUR FINGERS BATHING IN
A GLASS OF WINE. COMING TO YOUR
SENSES, YOU REALIZE THAT YOU ARE
NOW TRILLIAN, AND YOU ARE AT THE
PARTY WHERE YOU (SHE?) MET BOTH
WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE).

 NOW, ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS
WAIT, TRYING NOT TO BE BORED TO
TEARS BY ARTHUR'S FEEBLE
ATTEMPTS AT CONVERSATION. GIVE
PHIL A LOOK, AND SHORTLY HE WILL
COME OVER, AND TAKE YOU OUT TO
HIS SCOOTER. AS YOU BLAST OFF,
EVERYTHING ONCE AGAIN
BECOMES.....DARK.
              FORD
NOW YOU FIND YOURSELF STANDING
IN A COUNTRY LANE, HOLDING A
SATCHEL. THE PLACE LOOKS
FAMILIAR. IN FACT, IT'S THE LANE
OUTSIDE ARTHUR'S HOME, AND THIS
TIME YOU SEEM TO BE FORD
PREFECT.
 THOSE VOGONS WILL BE ARRIVING
SOON, SO THERE'S NOT MUCH TIME.
OPEN THE SATCHEL, AND TAKE THE
SATCHEL FLUFF, THE TOWEL, AND
THE SUB-ETHA SIGNALLING DEVICE.
GO NORTH, AND THERE YOU WILL SEE
ARTHUR LYING IN FRONT OF THE
BULLDOZER.

 WITH A CERTAIN FEELING OF DEJA
VU, YOU OFFER HIM THE TOWEL.
SUDDENLY REALIZE WHAT IS GOING
ON (NOT THAT IT REALLY MATTERS,
CONSIDERING WHAT WILL SHORTLY
HAPPEN!). IN A MOMENT OF
MAGNANIMITY (OR POSSIBLY
MADNESS), YOU DECIDE TO TAKE
ARTHUR HITCHHIKING WITH YOU.

 BUT FIRST, YOU HAVE TO DEAL
WITH PROSSER. GO OVER TO HIM,
AND ASK HIM TO LIE DOWN IN FRONT
OF THE BULLDOZER. HE'LL MAKE A
LITTLE FUSS, BUT YOU'LL MANAGE
TO PERSUADE HIM. NOW, YOU AND
ARTHUR CAN HURRY OVER TO THE
PUB, AND DRINK SOME BEER
(REMEMBER TO BUY PEANUTS).

 SIT THERE, DRINKING YOUR BEER
(NO MORE THAN THREE!),
MEDITATING ON WHY ARTHUR IS
TAKING THE IMMINENT DEMISE OF
THE WORLD SO CALMLY, UNTIL THE
HOUSE FALLS AND ARTHUR GOES
TEARING OUT.

 FOLLOW HIM TO THE RUINS OF HIS
HOME. DROP THE SATCHEL, AND PUT
THE SATCHEL FLUFF ON TOP OF IT.
NOW WAIT. THE VOGON SHIPS WILL
APPEAR, THE WINDS WILL PICK UP,
AND YOU'LL START FUMBLING WITH
THE DEVICE.
OOPS! YOU JUST DROPPED IT!
FORTUNATELY, IT ROLLS OVER BY
ARTHUR, WHO PICKS IT UP AND
LOOKS AT IT. ALSO FORTUNATELY,
ARTHUR MANAGES TO PUSH THE RIGHT
BUTTON, AND EVERYTHING
BECOMES....DARK.
             ZAPHOD
YOU COME OUT OF THE DARK TO FIND
THAT YOU'RE NOW ZAPHOD
BEEBLEBROX, THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNIVERSE. IN FACT, YOU'RE ON
YOUR WAY TO STEAL THE HEART OF
GOLD (WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM
TRILLIAN).
 AS YOUR SPEEDBOAT ZOOMS TOWARDS
ITS DESTINATION, SEARCH THE SEAT
CAREFULLY AND YOU WILL FIND SEAT
FLUFF AND A KEY. THE KEY OPENS
THE TOOLBOX, BUT YOU DON'T NEED
TO DO THAT NOW. JUST MAKE SURE
YOU TAKE THE BOX; YOU MIGHT BE
NEEDING IT LATER.

 NOW, IF YOU CONTINUE ON YOUR
PRESENT COURSE, YOU'LL NEVER
MAKE IT BETWEEN THE CLIFFS AND
THE SPIRE (OR MAYBE YOU KNOW
THAT ALREADY). THE TRICK IS TO
MAKE THE AUTO-PILOT DO THE HARD
WORK, SO STEER THE BOAT TOWARDS
THE ROCKY SPIRE.

 THE SPIRE GETS
CLOSER...CLOSER....CLOSER....AND
THEN, AT LAST! THE AUOTPILOT
WAKES UP, JUST IN TIME, AND
STEERS YOU TO SAFETY! WHEW, THAT
WAS A CLOSE ONE. OK, NOW YOU CAN
STAND UP AND GO NORTH TO THE
DAIS, WHERE THE DEDICATION
CEREMONIES WILL BE HELD.

 WAIT AROUND, ENJOYING THE
CHEERS OF THE CROWD (READ THE
BANNER IF YOU LIKE), UNTIL
TRILLIAN APPEARS. SHE WILL JUMP
OUT OF THE CROWD, AND HOLD A GUN
TO ONE OF YOUR HEADS. THE GUARDS
ARE A LITTLE HESITANT ABOUT WHAT
TO DO, SO NOW'S YOUR CHANCE:
TELL THEM NOT TO SHOOT.

 AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, THEY WILL
DROP THEIR RIFLES INTO A
PILE..JUST WHAT YOU'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR. TELL TRILLIAN TO
SHOOT THE RIFLES. AS THE WEAPONS
DISAPPEAR, YOU AND TRILLIAN MAKE
A BREAK FOR THE HOG! YOU MADE
IT!! BUT...EVERYTHING SEEMS TO
BE GETTING....DARK.

          THE WAR ROOM

AH HA, FOOLED YA! I BET WHEN YOU
HEARD THE SOUND OF THE STAR
DRIVE, YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE BACK
ON THE HOG. BUT, SURPRISE!
YOU'RE IN THE WAR ROOM OF A
MIGHTY WAR FLEET APPROACHING
EARTH (AT LEAST YOU'RE YOURSELF
THIS TIME!).

 HMMMM, LOOKING AROUND, YOU SEE
AN ULTRA-PLASMIC AWL. PICK THAT
UP, SINCE IT MIGHT COME IN HANDY
LATER. NOW, TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT
THE ALIENS. THEY ARE VL'HURG AND
G'GUVUNT. SOUND FAMILIAR? RING
ANY BELLS? REMEMBER THAT SMALL
GALAXY YOU PRETTY MUCH WIPED OUT
WITH YOUR CARELESS WORDS?
   WELL, THEY FINALLY FIGURED OUT
WHAT HAPPENED, AND NOW THEY ARE
ON THEIR WAY TO EARTH TO TAKE
REVENGE! (UH OH) YOU CAN'T
REALLY STOP THEM, SO JUST WAIT
AROUND AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.

 THE FLEET GETS CLOSER AND
CLOSER, AND THEN ARRIVES.
AMAZINGLY, THE FIRST THING THEY
SEE IS....A HUGE DOG HAPPILY
MUNCHING A CHEESE (?) SANDWICH!
 THE SIGHT OF THIS GIANT MONSTER,
 CONTENTEDLY EATING, SOFTENS THE
 HEARTS OF THE VL'HURGS AND
 G'GUVUNTS.
 
  WITH A NEW MISSION IN LIFE,
 THEY TURN AROUND AND GO HOME.
 ALONG THE WAY, THEY TRANSPORT
 YOU BACK TO THE HOG.
 UNFORTUNATELY, SINCE THE ALIENS
 ARE MICROSCOPIC, SO ARE
 YOU.....AND YOU END UP
 MATERIALIZING IN YOUR HEAD
  BUT WAIT....MAYBE THERE IS A
 MADNESS IN THIS METHOD, AFTER
 ALL (OR IS THAT THE OTHER WAY
 AROUND?). MOVE ALONG THE MAZY OF
 SYNAPSES (ANY DIRECTION WILL DO,
 THEY'RE ALL ALIKE), UNTIL YOU
 COME TO THE PARTICLE.
 LOOK AT THE PARTICLE, AND YOU
 WILL SEE IT'S YOUR COMMON SENSE.
 IF THERE'S ONE THING YOU SURELY
 DON'T NEED IN THIS ADVENTURE,
 IT'S COMMON SENSE, SO TAKE THE
 PARTICLE. WHOOPS! EVERYTHIG JUST
 WENT.....DARK
       PART III
 OK, NOW YOU SHOULD HAVE
 COLLECTED THE FOUR FLUFFS, THE
 ULTRA-PLASMIC AWL, THE PAINT
 CHIPPER, THE NUTRIMAT COMPUTER
 INTERFACE, AND THE TOOL BOX.
 AFTER YOU HAVE DONE THE LAST
 SCENARIO (WHICHEVER ONE THAT
 IS), DON'T GO BACK TO THE
 BRIDGE. PICK UP THE INTERFACE,
 AND GO TO THE NUTRIMAT. IT'S TEA
 TIME!
 
  OPEN THE PANEL ON THE NUTRIMAT,
 REMOVE THE CIRCUIT BOARD, AND
 REPLACE IT WITH THE INTERFACE.
 NOW, TOUCH THE PAD. WITH A
 CLEARER IDEA OF JUST WHAT IT IS
 YOU WANT, THE NUTRIMAT BEGINS TO
 HAVE SOME PROBLEMS. ITS OWN
 LIMITED CIRCUITRY CAN'T HANDLE
 IT (WELL, IT'S JUST A DUMB
 MACHINE, AFTER ALL), SO IT TIES
 INTO THE MAIN SHIPBOARD
 COMPUTER.
 
  DON'T SPEND TIME HERE WATCHING
 THE NUTRIMAT GO THROUGH ITS
 GYRATIONS. HEAD FOR THE BRIDGE,
 AND PLUG THE LARGE PLUG INTO THE
 LARGE RECEPTACLE. THE MOMENT IS
 ALMOST HERE: THE HOG HAS ARRIVED
 AT THE LEGENDARY LOST PLANET OF
 MAGRATHEA, AND THE NATIVES
 AREN'T FRIENDLY.
 
  IN FACT, THEY ARE SENDING UP A
 BUNCH OF MISSILES TO VAPORIZE
 THE HOG (HMMM, THEY REALLY
 AREN'T FRIENDLY!). NOW, PUSH THE
 SWITCH ON THE SPARE DRIVE. WOW!
 TALK ABOUT IMPROBABILITIES! THE
 MISSILES HAVE TURNED INTO A
 GIANT SPERM WHALE!
 AFTER ACCEPTING THE
 CONGRATULATIONS OF FORD, ZAPHOD,
 AND TRILLIAN (WHO CONVENIENTLY
 DISAPPEAR INTO THE SAUNA AGAIN),
 RETURN TO THE NUTRIMAT, WHERE
 YOU WILL FIND, AT LAST, A CUP OF
 REAL TEA. GET THE CUP (YOU WILL
 DROP THE NO TEA), BUT DON'T
 DRINK IT!! BRING IT TO THE
 BRIDGE.
 DROP THE REAL TEA (YOU WILL
 AUTOMATICALLY PICK UP THE NO
 TEA). REMOVE THE DANGLY BIT FROM
 THE TEA SUBSTITUTE, AND PUT IT
 IN THE REAL TEA. YOU HAVE ONE
 MORE LITTLE TRIP TO MAKE. FIRST,
 HOWEVER, DROP EVERYTHING YOU ARE
 CARRYING EXCEPT THE BABEL FISH
 AND THE AUNT'S THING (YES, YOU
 HAVE IT AGAIN, YOU JUST CAN'T
 GET RID OF IT).
   PUSH THE SWITCH ON THE DRIVE.
 AFTER A SHORT STAY IN THE DARK,
 YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF IN THE
 WHALE'S TUMMY (IT MAY, HOWEVER,
 TAKE MORE THAN TRY TO GET HERE,
 BUT YOU WILL MAKE IT
 EVENTUALLY). THERE'S A FLOWERPOT
 HERE! GET THE POT, AND PUT IT IN
 THE AUNT'S THING. NOW, WAIT
 AROUND (YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE A
 CHOICE), AND SOON YOU WILL BE IN
 THE DARK AGAIN.
 
  AH, BACK ON THE HOG AT LAST. IF
 YOU TAKE INVENTORY, YOU'LL
 NOTICE YOU DON'T HAVE THE AUNT'S
 THING. DON'T PANIC! IT WILL, AS
 ALWAYS, TURN UP. IN THE
 MEANTIME, GO AROUND PICKING UP
 THE VARIOUS FLUFFS. THE ZAPHOD
 FLUFF, ALONG WITH THE TOOL BOX,
 WILL BE BY THE HATCH.
 TRILLIAN'S, OF COURSE, IS IN HER
 HANDBAG, AND FORD'S IS ON THE
 SATCHEL, AND THE LAST ONE IS IN
 THE POCKET OF YOUR GOWN (UNLESS
 YOU TOOK IT OUT EARLIER AND
 DROPPED IT SOMEWHERE).
 THE AUNT'S THING HAS REAPPEARED
 BY NOW, SO GO UP TO THE BRIDGE.
 TAKE THE FLOWERPOT, PLANT ALL
 FOUR FLUFFS, DROP THE POT, AND
 WAIT AWHILE. WHEN YOU SEE A TINY
 SPROUT HAS FORMED, TAKE THE POT
 INTO THE SAUNA. WHEN YOU EMERGE,
 A CHANGED MAN, YOU WILL ALSO
 HAVE A CHANGED PLANT.
 HOWEVER, THERE IS ANOTHER
 PROBLEM! THE HOG HAS LANDED ON
 MAGRATHEA, BUT EDDIE,
 OVERPROTECTIVE AS USUAL, HAS
 JAMMED THE HATCH SHUT. AND, HE'S
 NOT GOING TO OPEN IT, NO MATTER
 HOW LONG IT TAKES HIM TO CHECK
 FOR DANGERS ON THE PLANET (WHICH
 WILL BE QUITE A FEW YEARS).
 
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  *  DOCS "R" US BBS (C)1985  *
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